Narcissism is a tricky label. My journey into the underworld and back out, this term has been an elusive concept that people are throwing around like the word “love.” This path started out with defining what love is and what does it look like? I discovered that love is like a color that can be in many different shades from dark to light. This is something that I’ve discovered can apply to the concept Narcissism and its many applications, as well.
What is narcissism? Before my wake up call, I believed it was something outside of myself and happened to me and I went through gradual phases of victimhood to warrior. This seems to be the linear progression to healthy thinking of how a well adjusted individual might structure their thoughts. Now that the veil has been lifted and I can see, hear, speak, and think with clarity I understand this is only half of the work.
When I use the word clarity, I’m speaking of my experience from a detached observer perspective rather than a scolded or traumatized child. To understand this perspective look into complex trauma and Tim Fletcher. This started my journey into healing my inner child. It was in learning and embodying love, self-love I was able to truly begin my healing journey with my inner child. With a healthier form of emotional regulation, I’m blessed with the ability to give space for those emotions and then make an informed decision versus reacting and causing more complex trauma within all of us. It’s like dominoes 🤯
Narcissist/co-narcissist are two sides of the same coin that make up co-dependency. I believe that this coin can flip in all of us and it is in those extremes where the unhealthy lives. Narcissism is the term I’m using to encompass this “coin.” In defining this term, I believe the root of this energy is from lack of control and comparison of the self to others, both being external foci and not where the real internal wounds lie.
Most who suffer from narcissism develop escapism as a coping tactic. Addiction, sex, work, food, people, isolation, compulsive consumerism, technology are all different forms of escapism. Our society labels and terms what is acceptable and not acceptable when not one or a combo of either escape really address healing the inner child that is still searching for safety, support and unconditional love.
The Greek myth of Narcissus is that he fell in love with his beauty when looking into a pool of water that he drowned and/or many different endings that seem more regional. All in all unhealthy. Now, following that proposed healing path becomes this tricky path to follow when you don’t direct that reflection at yourself.
At the beginning of my journey, I took accountability of being a participant in my codependent marriage, most likely see-sawing between narcissist/co-narcissist. I admitted to partaking in multiple escapes: sex, drugs, alcohol, people, food. My relationship with these escapes changed dependent on the scaffolding of my thoughts and how I related to them whether in my narcissist or co-narcissist underlying persona.
I’m not defending or blasting my childhood in a way to place blame, but to shed light on how through the generations, we all have inner demons, and judging one more than the other doesn’t mean your work doesn’t need to be done. Accountability is lacking in this world. This is the action that has been lacking from love, family, friends, school, work, government.
Accountability is action embodied with integrity, strength, and compassion. This concept is the healing balm behind actions when they go right but most importantly when things go wrong. It’s easy to ask or demand it from others, but varies in ease or difficulty when asked or demanded of us.
Once I started to live in my truth and take accountability from my actions of the past, I started to apply it to my future actions. This is truly an act of self-love because it eliminates shame or guilt from growing and later having to assimilate and heal. Then I started to require it from family and friends around me. This is when you truly know who is for you and who isn’t. This is when you start to see narcissism as it is: control and comparison.
I can only control me and I am grateful for the blessings I have. When you can embody that, you can live free.
I challenge you to look in. It may lead to true freedom.
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