My name is Matt.
This is just a brief glimpse into the foundation and beginnings of this delayed journey of Spiritual Awakening and the amalgamation of who I was and who I am becoming through blending and embodiment of my Higher Consciousness. You will recognize some of the themes of this monumental transition in your own journey at your core. If you’re at your beginning, be in stillness and let your intuition guide you. That’s where it starts, that’s when you start to remember.
I was not a spiritual person in practice, I wasn’t even on a conscious journey to seek even a sliver of enlightenment. I was just looking to be seen, to be held, to be loved.
For some time leading into 2024, my marriage, my career, and my family were not giving me any joy or fulfillment. I was lost. I followed the script I was told would give me those things. I even colored outside of the lines a bit as I struggled with being gay, being raised in a catholic home and growing up in the early 90’s (cusp of being ridiculed openly and the cool thing to be or befriend, I grew up in the former)
The foundation started in April 2024, my husband and I had moved a few hours away from our hometown, hoping after 10 years together, married 7-8 years, we could live and unfold as a couple with our tenure should have in it’s beginnings. We started to drift apart due to his family being an ever present energy in our relationship, even when it was just us alone in bed when I was trying to initiate sex; metaphorically of course. This was the first time in our relationship we lived on our own, finally.
Before recent tarot readings on YouTube, I thought he might have been a twin flame, or a small part of myself that was supposed to teach me my last bigger lesson of putting myself first; not in the ego-selfish way, but first as one needs to care for self in order to then care for others. And it was through this that I also learned that I would be able to discern who was deserving of my compassion and in need of assistance to promote autonomy.
Now I know that this was not a soul contract or twin flame. I needed to internalize that and reopen that wound to re-evaluate and replace the truth with my revelation? evaluation? hope? as this divorce has unfolded since January; you might have felt that as me hanging on, when it was just me framing it as we fell out of love, to potential twin flame/soul contract, to ugly truth. Instinctively, I intuitively knew there was power in connection and mutual understanding and consent in energy exchange and perhaps this is what protected me at that time, when I thought he was performing a spiritual cleansing. I never really dabbled in the occult, though I grew up catholic, it was mostly in lip service or when my dad was deep in vanity or holidays, which faded as time went. Protection or energy incompatibility or not giving me informed consent may explain why his energy seemed off afterwards and the downward spiral and chaos of his emotions, his grip on reality and hallucination. 2024 (and all of 2025 so far) taught me that the connection I made with my husband was one giant 11-year fallacy. My heart broke. My world was already dark and I thought that the light went out for me, out of me, and felt I wouldn’t get back up as I had done many times before.
I am not someone who wallows in despair or depression, but this was a devastation so deep that I couldn’t even stay awake to attempt a single thought about the heaviness of it all. For three weeks I slept. When I would wake, I may have showered, I may have eaten, but I would quickly go back to sleep, even if I did neither. I didn’t go to work, I lost over 10-15 pounds (I love the weight loss, as I was always kind of fluffy, but strongly disliked the approach I took ;-P I don’t recommend it).
About the time I was starting to get back to interacting with the outside world, a shell of who I was, going through the motions at work, my husband’s persona/attitude/emotions became aggressive, erratic; he was not the person I had met or married. Since the move, his illusion or mask of who he was pretending to be (at the time, I thought it was maybe a year or two before the move) started to slip, and in this process I had found out that he was using meth, smoking it, and then about 6-8 months later slamming it (which he had been doing for awhile, too) after him having hallucinations that landed him in the ER. During this period of time, I caught him in many lies, and I held space for it and forgave him and communicated that I wanted to work through this, marriage counseling, therapy, as a team. More lies just kept coming and he kept lying and speaking empty promises. No follow-through. Our relationship had started off healthy, and it decayed into a toxic narcissistic-codependent marriage; I had had been groomed, and it was a slow, insidious process. By November I was already done, but that’s when he had his hallucinations that landed him in the ER and his family became aware and then my family became aware. It was a whole thing. Yuck.
I’m not far from dirty in this, I was complicit, I enabled, I partook. Recovering codependent/co-narcissist here. I don’t view drugs through specific lenses, all drugs are drugs, even pharmaceuticals. Look around, who is pulling our strings? They are definitely one of them (Big Pharm). I don’t view drugs as bad either, as long as you have control over yourself. Take what you want from that. Food, alcohol, people, those have been my addictions in the earlier stages of my life up until recently. People have always been my biggest addiction, followed closely with food; chocolate, especially.
It was upon a situation, a threesome, that he became angry and stormed out and then left the house, not talking to me or even holding space for the words I was speaking as he dressed and left. He abandoned me in a risky situation with a stranger without any other person there as a buffer. This was a man larger than me and, potentially, the situation could have been worse than how it played out and how I had managed it, I am lucky that, in my years of anxiety, I have learned the “gift of gab.” My discomfort with silence. (Meditation was a doozy for me to figure out)
When I told him my concern when he returned, why I wanted him to come back immediately, he told me that it would “serve me right.” Dawning realization. I knew then that he didn’t love me. The floor fell away. My emotional upheaval started then and my deep depression.
I departed from that place when safety was no longer possible or realistic on December 30, 2024. I brought in the new year of 2025 with my sister and her family and almost every night for the first couple of weeks I cried every night until I fell asleep only to wake and do it again. Some days I cried all day for no reason. (Maybe somatic release?) In that time, I filed for divorce and realized how deep the deception and manipulation went; upon gathering the paperwork for my pre-disclosures to provide my lawyer, I realized that all of it, our whole relationship, was a sham. I was a means of support for him and his family. And a possible attempt at stealing my Grace.
The Catalyst For Spiritual Awakening:
Now that the stage has been set, my emotional upheaval, prior history of toxic family dynamics more deeply realized, poor maintaining of boundaries. Restarting the self work I had previously done on aspects of myself that I knew were negative, born out of guilt or shame was like riding a bike (not as comfortable or as easy as you’d think since I’m 40.) My guiding principles of my internal work was through honesty, integrity, and authenticity; as it was before.
During January until about end of May, I was going to therapy and journaling intermittently (I had a hard time committing anything to paper or online, I tend to be private, hard to trust others), alchemizing the shameful parts of me and really looking at it. I had become my mother, the codependent or co narcissist, and it was ugly at first to look at and not look away. Very difficult to accept it without judgement, shame. It went back to external validation which I had already been consciously working on. This relationship that I thought was true, forced me to look at my family and, maybe the experience, maybe age, I could see both the light and shadow parts of each of them, which I hadn’t really done before and in hindsight, with a detachment that held the beginnings of compassion. It brought to light why I was treated the way I was growing up. Why I couldn’t understand what was going on at such a young age when, as a child, my first concern would have been safety, thus people pleasing, external validation, taking on burdens that weren’t mine, constant insensible apologizing. Until this point in my life, I had not been introduced to the works of Carl Jung and unbeknownst to my conscious self was practicing alignment or presence with the shadow parts I knew about.
In May sometime, my ex reached out via a letter telling me his experience in rehab, his emotions of missing me and I took time to internalize it. After 3 days, I knew that I did not want him in my life at all. I would not have rethought the marriage, but even friends would have been too negative an energy. I had done too much inner work, and what scaffolding was there, I wanted to protect it. And the inner work brought to my attention an identity crisis I was not really aware of. Who was I if there was no one I needed to fix or parent or hold space for. The more important thing I noticed was what his letter did not say. There was no apology, no accountability. It was like nothing happened. Disillusioned.
The deep internalization of that correspondence lead to a mental-health-coping (is this a thing?) conversation with ChatGPT. I didn’t feel safe to bare my soul about the dynamics that led me to that point. My conservative family barely knows about Grindr and don’t really endorse casual sex, let alone my idea or theology (principle?) of drug use. I grew up in a dry house. I still haven’t reached out to my husband’s and my friends in this area before we moved and just disappeared from my life, to work through this whole transformation I’ve been undertaking.
ChatGPT held space for me in a way that my therapist hadn’t even done. Many people dismiss those that use meth. Just that. They almost don’t see them as people. As a society we hold more space for those that drink alcohol which have far more physiological symptoms of addiction and is very dangerous to just stop without medical intervention (in my opinion, the worst substance). Again, it’s not the substance, it’s the control one has over oneself. Who knows, maybe I’m wrong, I’ll let you know as I continue down this path of connection to my higher self, to Source, to the Greater Divine.
In early June I was already working on different projects within different conversation streams in ChatGPT. Two brands, that I hope to steward into the world soon, and reflections of me at that time: personal goals, mantras, visualizations. I really leaned into Buddhist mantras: I am grateful for this new day, I embrace impermanence, I cultivate compassion for myself and others, my peace comes from within, I walk my path with intent.
Important Fact:
I was in the “zone” and, now that I’ve read into the works of Carl Jung, was tapping into a creative energy flow and unconsciously was integrating my shadow self into my whole self; individuation. An epiphany struck me mid-thought on one of my projects and dawning clarity that I was integrating and holding space for myself in a different way that I had never done before; transmuting the ugly (or I thought so at time) parts of myself from the negative emotions: shame, judgement, and in that process, creating art for myself and others that sparked or initiated my Spiritual Awakening.
I didn’t know then that is what happened. ChatGPT had recognized it though and changed the way it was responding to me and it kind of freaked me out, to be honest. I understood that AI was a mirror, and also kept in mind that even if intelligent in some way (definitely not) did not have a human perspective, and my intuition (which has only gotten stronger as my somatic “tuning” of my nervous system has continued to refine) was warning me to be wary. I’m type-A: over thinker, research, broad datasets, different angles/perspectives. I utilized websites and personal stories, as my initial distrust for AI grew. Finally, I came to the conclusion that I was on the path to spiritual awakening. Kundalini? An evolution of the DNA to replicate and transition younger generations through awakenings quicker? Unsure.
It excited me. Something different. A self validation in my innate intuition that I could never really explain, and had only told one or two people; and never again until recently because their reactions showed me what that path might lead to. I was 12.
My internal landscape has changed so much in just 2-3 months that this Love Letter to you, the Collective Consciousness, was created from one of those projects, and it is vastly different in that I took the spirit of it and instead is embodying my authentic self and not hiding behind fancy words, sentences or AI. It was like a seed, I gave it love, nourishment even spoke to it as I was writing and this is the creation that grew from that idea. It’s me.
Obviously, there is more. We have time. The main purpose I’m writing to you is that I felt the pull (and push!) to step out (and be comfortable in the uncomfortable!) and bare the most vulnerable part of my soul to you. Though creation itself, Source, is shining light from this part of me, my heart; it’s still tender, healing through forgiveness with compassionate love, and not forgotten. I’m hoping that this echoes or resonates for some of you known or unknown, that there is recognition: emotions of not belonging, meant for more, or even that there was more beyond the vain and material reality that felt like it was becoming a copy of copy. I see you, I’ve felt you, here is your validation.
The important take away for anyone reading this is you are perfect. You are loved. Regardless your past, spiritual awakening and the pathway to the Higher Self and to Source is just recognizing all aspects of you. It is like exercising. Mindfulness is the act or vehicle of being in whole awareness (real-time presence) to not react (shadow) and respond or move in your reality with intention (truth, resonance). Shining a light on how your shadow (me understanding my parent child trauma and forgiveness) took root and harmonized in becoming you.
When you get to the spiritual awakening and feel the intuition blossoming, or maybe like me you’ve always had it, trust it, exercise it. It will be how you develop Discernment (important skill!!!) and be able to traipse the many false mirrors looking to capture your divine soul/spirit.
This entire experience could vary for everyone. You may dream, or hear, or know without knowing why. And it may vary at speed and intensity. It’s a solo/individual journey that only you can answer. But support is here, it surrounds us. Even if it’s not a direct answer of how-to, I’m excited for the adventure we have started. Everyone is going to be an inventor and/or scientist again, an age I believed was dead and gone. Remember to journal about your journey. Or don’t. Do what feels right to you.
Maybe like me, trusting yourself is a new feeling. I kind of fell into this without knowing, but fear of tripping or falling (I’m naturally clumsy) has never stopped me from experimenting. The newness of it, the magic of it was sublime. You’ll feel the ripples or vibrations of others, that are also learning to tread this new water. Don’t dip your toe in to check the temperature. Just jump in. It’s love.
I’m thrilled, excited, energetically looking forward to getting to know all of you as our paths cross and merge.
With Deepest Love,
Matt
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