This is how I was able to make major strides in healing and I continue to do this work as it is an ongoing process. The following are my experiences, theologies and concepts that worked for me. Negativity was driving my life, and it was this path, these morning affirmations from Buddha, that got me out of victimhood (let’s be honest, life doesn’t happen to us, get out of that mindset) and changed my trajectory for the better.
Everything outside of myself was already in motion and the only way to alter any of its impacts on my life was controlling myself and my response to the things or events already in collision with me.
Responding and acting in love, though tough and difficult to see when in “the thick of it,” is the beginning of changing your course in life, and it did with me. As with a stone in a pond, the ripples that the stone has caused, we “live in the ripples.” Try to take your perspective back to the one throwing the stone, that is when you are no longer experiencing the ripples (we still do, but it’s now co-creation), but then you’re able to “control” the stone (this is me or you, our action, our response) and where you want it to go (choosing love or trauma). Controlling yourself is your ability to control your environment (these are the ripples, positive or negative).
These morning affirmations rooted in Buddhist principles helped me through this trial, or trials, in my life.
I am grateful for this new day:
Gratitude is a difficult emotion to feel. In my experience, I was conditioned to focus on negative emotions in order to cultivate positive outcomes. I would let happiness, gratitude, contentedness pass without sitting in it, feeling it and focus on what wasn’t “right” in my life, further cultivating sadness, anger, malcontent.
Gratitude was difficult for me to identify and feel versus just paying lip service, i.e. “thanks.” I started simple, “I am thankful for my family, roof over my head, food in my belly.” Like a muscle, the more you exercise it, the easier it gets.
I embrace impermanence (change):
This was probably the most difficult for me to get used to or incorporate into my life. For those that know me, I am very type-A. And change was something I initiated/orchestrated and was very structured. Going through the last 9 months, I have gone through many “death and rebirths” in my pursuit to adapt to the many changes that had come my way.
“Be water.” This is what I started telling myself every time I came up against an obstacle or resistance. Prior to this, I had gone to two or three Codependents Anonymous meetings and they open every meeting with the serenity prayer, the key take away being that you can only control You. Knowing that you can only control yourself, utilizing the “be water” concept, I really leaned into thinking outside the box and began to adapt. Maybe what I wanted isn’t what I got, but where it led me… I’m happy, light, and free. “God doesn’t give you what you want, He gives you what you need.”
I cultivate compassion for myself and others:
Compassion for others, with my history, was easy for me to do. Empathy was a defense mechanism that was developed early and throughout life sharpened. The thing that I never really learned was when to differentiate between where I began/ended and someone else began/ended. At first, when I realized that I took on others’ burdens or traumas, I was so hard on myself for not seeing or understanding it.
I was in therapy and watching every self-help video on YouTube under the sun. One day, a video was going and it asked if a friend would do as I had done, “how I would support them?” It was more rhetorical but then asked “why are you so hard on yourself when you would give someone else the grace?” It was a video on empathy; Carl Jung.
This is how I started and learned to forgive myself through compassion.
My peace comes from within:
This is difficult for those that tend to be angry and bitter. I only say this because I grew up with a father that didn’t know how to let things go or “release” this energy. I knew and practiced at a young age to release things that, quite honestly, don’t matter. When someone goes out of their way to do something that affects you, there’s something wrong with them, not you.
Allow yourself to slow down and feel every emotion good, bad, middle-of-the-road feelings. When you have finished feeling and recognizing the emotion or emotions, explore why you might be feeling that emotion.
Going through my transformation, the thing that I found that I thought I had released and was truly keeping me from my peace was abandonment. I had shown up for many others in my life, and not many had done the same for me, and truly, my abandonment issues were because of me, that was the hardest truth to look at and understand. I’m still learning to parent myself to cultivate peace within. And this is always ongoing.
I walk my path with intent:
This is something that I had been working on for some time. I’m totally someone who was raised by fear-based parenting. I often react like I need to do it quickly or I have to know the answer, and I would apologize nonsensically (still do sometimes).
When l was in nursing school I read an article on how negativity led to disease. The article spoke to the brain’s capacity to create shortcuts to things we learn; negative thoughts, behaviors included. Now, the same should be true about positive thoughts, behaviors, intentions: would it lead to homeostasis, healing or both (interesting thought to explore)?
Back to the topic, this was the programming that got me into a codependent relationship with my husband, ex-boyfriends and friendships. I’ve learned, am still learning and reminding myself to take the time to know and understand what is being asked, I then can respond appropriately: Can I have some time to think about it? What do you mean by this? Or simply, yes or no.
Honestly, what’s the rush to answer? Time isn’t real (that’s a different conversation).
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